I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
