I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
