Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
