I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
