FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
