You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
