Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
