She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
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I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
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There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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