you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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