She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
