Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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