dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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