How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
