you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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