my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
