So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
