all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
