he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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