True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
