I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
