I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
