I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
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Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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