So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
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