Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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