Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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