I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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