where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
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he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
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Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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