I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
