When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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