If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
