I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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