Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
