the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Randomize
