i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
