when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
