I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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