I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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