dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
