Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
