Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
