you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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