Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
