chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize