hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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