Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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