Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
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She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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