Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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