I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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