the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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