can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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