As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
