I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
