i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
