all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
