I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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