I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
