I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
