Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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