he puts the penis in happiness.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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