6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
