He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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