Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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