why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
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