I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
