Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
sex in a hospital.. check
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
